Day 4
Lisa Scheffler, author
When God creates Eve and brings her to Adam, he is overjoyed to finally have the ideal companion. He recognizes how uniquely suited she is to him and says, “this one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Then the writer of Genesis includes this detail: he writes, “The man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). After Adam and Eve commit the first act of rebellion against God and “their eyes were opened” to sin, the exposure and vulnerability of their nudity before each other and God becomes a source of fear. Their nakedness becomes something they want to cover (Genesis 3:10).
Marriage was ordained by God as a unique covenant between a man and a woman where love, acceptance, peace and security would be given. But as soon as sin came into the world, vulnerability brought fear. Instead of feeling safe in the presence of one’s spouse, there can be insecurity. We can fear being hurt or judged. Physical intimacy should feed and be fed by other forms of intimacy: emotionally, intellectually and in our thoughts and actions. But sometimes in our marriages, it doesn’t work that way.
This week we have talked about sexual sin and its effects. The Bible teaches that sex is reserved for a husband and wife. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that sexual sin cannot occur within a marriage. For some people, their sexual relationship with their spouse is not the source of the joy, union, and pleasure that God intended it to be.
If Christians are instructed to love each other selflessly and sacrificially, how much more should we apply this command to our spouse? If Christian love is patient, kind, humble, truthful, hopeful, faithful and persevering, then surely, we should strive for our marriage to display this kind of love (see 1 Corinthians 13). We might find many conflicts over sex easier to avoid if we worked to apply these principles and tried to put the other’s needs before our own.
Nevertheless, Paul does give some specific instructions to Christians in 1 Corinthians that helps us see what a sexual relationship should look like in marriage.
Read
1 Corinthians 7:3–5
3A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then resume your relationship, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Ask Yourself
- Who has rights to each other’s body according to Paul?
- What reasons does Paul give for abstaining from sex in marriage?
- Why should the abstinence be temporary?
Reflect
The first thing we should notice in this passage may be obvious, but still worth mentioning. Sex is a normal and expected part of married life. A healthy marriage will include regular sexual intimacy. Both partners should recognize this and willingly give themselves to their spouse for their mutual pleasure and the reaffirmation of their marital union. An exception to this pattern would have to meet three qualifications. Couples can abstain from sex if it’s mutually agreed to, temporary and for prayer.
This passage seems pretty straightforward. “Let there be sex!” But unfortunately it can be misused in two ways.[1]
First of all these verses can be used as a hammer for one partner to beat the other with.[2] “You owe me more sex! The Bible says so!” But there is no room for a self-fulfilling demand in this passage. As we learned in 1 Corinthians 6, ultimately the bodies of both partners belong to the Lord.
Secondly, both partners gave up the rights to their bodies when they got married. In Paul’s day the idea that a woman might have authority over her husband’s body was revolutionary. A man cannot demand that his wife have sex because she controls his body. Not only does coercion, intimidation, or manipulation have no place between two people who belong to the Lord, Paul makes it clear that the authority over the body runs both ways. While this passage may encourage couples to have regular sex, one partner’s rights cannot trump another’s.
The second misuse is highlighted by Paul’s warning that a couple should “come together so that Satan may not tempt” them because of a “lack of self control.” This warning can be used to manipulate a partner into more frequent or varied sexually activity using fear. An unfaithful spouse should never use verse 5 to say, “See, if we’d had more sex, I wouldn’t have been so tempted.” There should never be an accusation, implied or stated, “If you had loved me better, I wouldn’t have looked for it elsewhere.” Marriage should be a reliable, safe, and secure relationship. No partner should ever feel they have to secure their spouse’s faithfulness by being more available or innovative in the bedroom.
Sex can be treated like a commodity. We trade other things to get sex or trade sex to get other things. It shouldn’t be that way in marriage. Sex should never be used to dominate or manipulate either through demanding it or withholding it. Sex isn’t about me, it’s about us. There may be times that a couple needs to abstain from sex for medical reasons, extreme stress or fatigue. At those times we respect our partner’s bodies and pray. There may be a time in a marriage when the couple needs to sacrifice marital intimacy to seek the Lord. But most of the time, we need to meet each other’s sexual needs not out of duty but love.
Imagine if we applied to our sexual relationships in marriage the ideas of Christian love so often put forth in Scripture. We should strive to outdo each other in showing honor (Romans 12:10) and to count the other as more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).
Pray
Marriage is a beautiful and unique union that can be nourished by physical intimacy. Two people, each united with Christ, join together. It should be a place of love, trust and acceptance as each partner seeks to grow in their relationship with Jesus, and toward each other. For those who are married, if it is not that way in your marriage, start with an honest, humble prayer for God’s help and forgiveness.
Pray about ways to open up the lines of communication with your spouse. Confess that you have not always put their needs ahead of yours and express your desire for deeper intimacy in your marriage. Recognize that a lack of physical intimacy is often fed by hurts or frustrations in other parts of the marriage, so prayerfully investigate those possibilities. Seek help from trusted Christian friends or a counselor if it is needed. Consider joining our Re|Engage ministry. Don’t let your marriage fall apart, but work at it so it will be the blessing to you, your spouse and to God that it was intended to be.
Talk about it
What are your reactions to Paul’s instructions? How could they help married people navigate difficulties with their spouse?
[1] Jonathan Parnell (November 14, 2013) “When the Sex Should Stop” http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/when-the-sex-should-stop
[2] Ibid.
