Day 4
Lisa Scheffler, author
What’s the key to a successful marriage? How have couples who’ve been together for 20, 40, or even 60 years made their marriage work? If you surveyed them, good communication would probably be one of the top-five factors.
Frustrations and disagreements are inevitable, even if both spouses are committed followers of Christ. Proverbs gives us wise instruction on how to handle conflict.
Read
Proverbs 20:3
3 It is to one’s honor to avoid strife,
but every fool is quick to quarrel.
Proverbs 21:19
19 Better to live in a desert
than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
Proverbs 27:4
4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,
but who can stand before jealousy?
Proverbs 29:11
11 Fools give full vent to their rage,
but the wise bring calm in the end.
Proverbs 12:18
18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 10:19
19 Sin is not ended by multiplying words,
but the prudent hold their tongues.
Proverbs 18:13
13 To answer before listening—
that is folly and shame.
Proverbs 12:16
16 Fools show their annoyance at once,
but the prudent overlook an insult.
Proverbs 19:11
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Ask Yourself
- What traits are these proverbs cultivating?
- How could you benefit personally from these proverbs, whether in marriage or some other relationship? Which ones are speaking loudly to you?
Read what others say
From John Hutchinson
I recently asked one of the elders of our church this question, “If you were choosing one factor that is most crucial in strengthening a marriage, what would it be?” He and his wife regularly do “crisis” marriage counseling with couples seeking help and on the verge of divorce. The response: “Bear one another’s burdens—learn to be a good listener, pray for your spouse, and communicate that you really care.” Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But even with the best of intentions, practicing this requires good communication skills.
Ephesians 4:29 (NASB) says :
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
The power of our words to destroy. The word translated “unwholesome” in the passage above means “rotting, decaying,” reminding us that our words may spread poison to those around us. This is corroborated in the wisdom of Proverbs, where we find our speech is one of the most frequent areas of warning: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Prov 18:21) Proverbs speaks of “life” and “death” as two choices of lifestyle that have inevitable consequences in this life and the next.
Proverbs’ stern warnings about our speech are also echoed in the warnings of James 3: “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell . . . no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison!” (James 3:6, 8)
It has happened to all of us. Something bugs you about your spouse or a friend . . . time goes on, you hold your tongue, and then . . . out come the words. Words emerge that were really not needed, and for the moment give us a sense of release. But, those words cannot be taken back, and often will never be forgotten.
The power of our words to build up. God gives us this wisdom about our speech—BE CAREFUL . . . BEWARE . . . so that we will have a healthy respect for the tongue’s destructive power. But our speech can also be redemptive and full of grace: “ . . . such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (Eph 4:29). Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” His folksy wisdom is echoed in the biblical teaching about our words:
“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” (Prov 12:25)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov 15:1)
Advice about our speech not only emphasizes its content, but timing as well.
“A man finds joy in giving an apt reply; and how good is a timely word” (Prov 15:23)
“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.” (Prov 18:13)
Edifying words are important in all relationships, but how much more significant they are in marriage. Begin with careful listening . . . as you allow time for your spouse to share his/her dreams and interests and fears. Ask questions, and use what you learn in creative ways to encourage your spouse . . . compliments. . . words of affirmation . . . in the tough areas bearing burdens by praying for your spouse.[1]
Pray
If you are married, for the next several days take note of what you say to your spouse and how you say it. Notice times when you are impatient, sarcastic, cutting, or dismissive. Ask yourself, “Am I really listening before I answer?” If you have an argument, think about what’s at the root of it — sometimes we overreact during a disagreement with our spouse because we’re stressed about work, frustrated with the kids, or because we’ve let resentment build up. How do you respond in moments of tension or conflict? Talk to the Lord about what you discover about yourself. Confess any bad relational habits and also seek your spouse’s forgiveness.
Ask the Spirit to give you the patience, prudence, and wisdom to respond with greater care to your spouse. Ask for life-giving words that show understanding. Pray before you speak. Seek to listen, love, and understand your spouse.
All of the proverbs we read can be applied to any relationship where we experience conflict. If you’re single, pray about how to apply them too!
Talk about it
Look back at the proverbs we read today. Together, summarize their instructions on how to handle conflict. Turn them into a list of “do’s” and “don’ts.” If you’re married, discuss them with your spouse.
[1] John Hutchinson, “Marriage: The Power of Communication.” Talbot School of Theology Blog. https://www.biola.edu/blogs/good-book-blog/2011/marriage-the-power-of-communication
